We are quite willing to ask for advice for a variety of tasks. How do I repair broken plaster in my hallway? You’re in my field; how should I prepare for this job interview? How do you make such delicious scrambled eggs? (Butter, by the way. Lots and lots of butter.) We may ask for recommendations for a roofer or a good auto mechanic or a favorite restaurant. We may even ask for marital advice, especially if we’re quite new to marriage. One area we tend to be very reluctant to ask for advice is that of parenting, for parenting is highly personal.
Part of the problem with parenting is we’re all just winging it. No one truly knows how to be a parent. As the ages-long joke goes, no child comes with a handbook. There is no training video. There is nothing that can prepare you to care for a newborn who cries at 2:00AM. There is nothing that can prepare you to care for a 15-year-old who cries at 2:00AM. At times it seems the best we can hope for is to not mess our kids up. Well, not mess them up too much, that is.
We’ve all had parents—whether absent or overly involved—and our parents are somewhere on the spectrum from terrible to great, yet all our parents are also deeply flawed. This means those of us who are parents are also deeply flawed. We will mess things up. This awareness inevitably puts pressure on us, whether new parents or parents of adults.
My son frequently asks me probing questions that I really enjoy discussing with him. After last Sunday’s sermon about Samson and his utter disregard for his Nazirite vows and for honoring the Lord, he asked me if Samson’s parents were to blame. Did he turn out to be such a self-centered bum because his parents failed? That is a complicated question.
Samson is presented in the pages of Judges as the ideal Israelite. He was, in a concentrated form, what Israel was. He was chosen from before birth, just as Israel was chosen all the way back in the time of Abraham. Samson was consecrated to the Lord, just as Israel was called to be holy as the Lord is holy. Samson was set apart for a purpose, that of delivering Israel, just as Israel was called to represent the Lord to the nations. Samson was also just like Israel in that he was stubborn and self-centered and self-serving and disobedient.
He was born to Israelite parents, though it’s not clear whether his father were faithful. We saw a few weeks ago that in his interactions with the angel of the Lord, his father never calls him YHWH, perhaps indicating he does not actually know the Lord. There is little to suggest his father would teach his son to follow the Lord and keep his commandments. Samson’s life certainly indicates Samson had no real interest in the Lord. He repeatedly and routinely violated his Nazirite vow.
There is nothing in his life that would suggest real faith. Were it not for Hebrews 11 we would be hard-pressed to think he was, in fact, ever a true believer in the Lord. In City Group last week we had a discussion about the complicated mess that his life was and we struggled to understand how Hebrews 11 could list Samson among the faithful. As we read in Judges 16 it isn’t until Samson is thoroughly humbled and about to die that he seems to finally trust the Lord. At the end of chapter 11 the author of Hebrews, referring back to the men and women listed throughout chapter 11, says this about Samson and the others:
And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect.
Hebrews 11:39-40 ESV
The author connects Samson to us who are in Christ. They, the believers who died before Christ, would not receive the fullness of what was promised apart from us. Then the author says this, again, including the faithful men and women listed in chapter 11:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2 ESV
Samson is in the great cloud of witnesses who surround us! How is this possible? We’re told how: we must look to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. At the very least Samson had faith the size of a mustard seed, faith granted and sustained by the Lord Jesus himself, and though his faith appears to us even tinier than a mustard seed, it appears to be sufficient to the Lord. Does it justify how he lived his life? No. Was it real, genuine faith? The author of Hebrews says it was. Later in chapter 12 the author speaks of Israel’s terrifying experience at Mount Sinai and then contrasts it with our gathered assembly into which the Lord himself enters, and the Lord isn’t alone!
But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.
Hebrews 12:22-24 ESV
The assembly of the firstborn who are in heaven are those who died in faith. They are the great cloud of witnesses. Among them is Samson, washed clean by the blood of the true Passover Lamb. Whereas the blood of Abel continues to cry out for vengeance, the blood of Jesus cries out, “It is finished!” This is as much good news for us as it is for Samson! The same sprinkled blood that saved him is the blood that saves us.
This highlights the Lord’s incredible mercy and grace in salvation. How did Samson end up in such a situation that he lived like a pagan until his dying breath? As my son asked, are his parents to blame? As with his salvation, it’s complicated. Samson is self-indulgent, taking whatever he wants. In chapter 14 Samson demands his parents arrange a marriage for him and the only criteria for the woman who would be his wife was her sexual allure. Dad could have said no. The marriage was arranged.
On one level, yes, his parents appear to not have done much to create in him a measure of self-control. It’s very unlikely Samson was told no all that often. For one thing, his parents were older. Women who are in their 20s and 30s are not usually said to be barren, even if they are childless. The text says she was barren, indicating she was either past the age of child-bearing or at least past the typical age for bearing children. Either way, by the time Samson was a middle-schooler, who could stop him? With his supernatural endowment of strength came a very natural—and incredibly substantial—amount of physical strength. Samson would have been the strongest kid in school, likely already stronger than the strongest men. No one denies Samson what he wants.
His father arranged a marriage between Samson and a Philistine woman, so on one level, yes, his parents were responsible. It’s more complicated than this, though. Parents can have a tremendous impact on how their children live their lives, but it’s a limited impact.
Several years ago we had a man who was a regular attender at New City. He said something to me that was quite profound. He told my wife and me that parents cannot evaluate how well they parented by seeing how their child treats God. That is, faith and obedience to the Lord cannot be criteria for evaluating parenting. The best of parents can have children who hate the Lord and the worst of parents can have children who love the Lord. Faith in the Lord is not an accurate criterion.
Rather, he said, parents can look to how their children treat other people to evaluate their parenting. Is the child respectful to others? Is the child—whether young or grown—respectful of authority? You can’t control how your child treats God, but how your child treats people may well be an indicator of your parenting. These are traits instilled in a child when the child is still young. The truth is a large part of parenting is teaching a child he or she is not the center of the world, that the world does not, in fact, exist for the child.
There are, of course, complicating factors that also impact how a child treats others. Abuse, for example, can alter a person’s behavior and general demeanor. The point is one cannot simply look at a child and know whether that child was parented well or not. There are general guidelines that generally can help. A child who has learned self-control and curbs self-indulgence and exhibits respect toward peers and authority generally reflects well on his or her parents.
Consider Samson. Samson fed his appetites. He treated women as objects. He found a certain Philistine woman sexually desirable so he demanded his parents arrange a marriage, which they did. He murdered 30 men to settle a bet. He fed his appetite for anger and destruction by destroying crops and orchards. He attacked other groups of men. He killed a thousand Philistines when they invaded Judah, but not to deliver Israel; this violence was to satisfy his lust for petty revenge.
Through it all Samson disregarded his status as a Nazirite. He was to be set apart, holy to the Lord. He would remain ritually pure, ready for the Lord’s service at a moment’s notice. He was not. Even while the Spirit was empowering him he used his supernatural strength and defiled himself, first by using a fresh donkey jawbone and then by piling up dead bodies.
In Samson’s case it would appear his parents did, in fact, fail to foster self-control and self-denial. In Samson’s case it’s also quite understandable why that would be such a monumental task. Fortunately, none of us is charged with raising Samson. If you’re a parent, recognize your role is both significant and limited. You can point your child to the Lord but you cannot make him or her believe. You cannot control how your child treats the Lord. However, you have a tremendous impact on how your child treats others.
This begins in your home. Do not allow disrespect, ever. If a child back-talks, deal with it firmly and immediately. Your child should immediately understand disrespect is utterly unacceptable, to siblings and especially to parents and other adults—all authority figures. Dads, this means your child should know the worst offense in your house is back-talking Momma. She is a child’s first and foremost authority figure and if your child cannot show respect to her, how will the child ever learn to respect others, whether teachers or police officers or government officials?
Not only is a respectful citizen a blessing to society, being taught respect blesses the child by helping him or her understand God by understanding the role of authority. If a child cannot obey Mom and Dad, how can a child obey true Authority? Teaching your child respect cannot, of course, cause your child to believe, but not teaching respect can set your child up for failure.
It comes down to this: as parents, if you feed your child junk food all the time, they will never develop a taste for good, quality food that is healthy. You can’t control whether your child likes liver and onions or is more of a perfectly medium rare ribeye sort of person, but you can affect whether your child knows what he or she is eating is a wise choice or a poor choice. In other words, your parenting, in a profound way, can affect your child’s ability to discern right and wrong. Whether they ultimately choose one over the other is the child’s decision, but you can have an impact on it.
You can nurture faith. You can point your children to the Lord. The most basic and fundamental means you have to do this is to live a genuinely faithful life. Your children will know the extent of the genuineness of your faith. If you’re faking it, they will know. If you’re genuine—even if also flawed!—your children will know this, too. Demonstrate godly character. Apologize to your children when you’re overbearing or harsh. Admit when you’re wrong and even ask for their forgiveness!
When your children see you model grace and forgiveness to yourself and those around you, they are shown how the Holy Spirit works in the world—and that the Holy Spirit works in the world. When a parent lives as though the gospel were true, the child sees the truth of it being lived out. Your actions speak far more powerfully than your words.
At the end of it all, each person will be called before the Lord to give an account. The only person who can stand before the Lord on judgment day is the person giving that account. Parents will give an account for their parenting. Children will give an account for their own lives. The good news in all of this is the good news that saved Samson. We come to God, the Judge of all, with the spirits of the righteous made perfect by the sprinkled blood that declares, “It is finished”.
Whether you are a parent or a child, whether you’ve lived like Samson or you’ve lived more like Othniel, the same blood of Christ is necessary and able to save. Parenting is complicated. The gospel is not complicated.